Most of us have learned the tone lesson with email – you have to be careful that your message might be read not as you intended but with tone. If the receiver is in a foul mood, they might read a simple request sentence like “please remember to submit your hours before 8:30 a.m. on Monday” with a sarcastic tone when it was never intended. PLEASE remember you crazy person to submit all your f-ing hours before 8:30 a.m. on Mondays, duuuhhhh…. How many times do I have to tell you?
This may be a little extreme, but when you’re writing, you can’t really tell where the minds of your readers are going to be and what the take away will be. The only certainty is that it will be as individual as they are. Parents, you’ve experienced this, right? You can never really guarantee the lesson your child will learn in any given situation, yes? It is one of the reasons we all love emoji’s. You can give your reader a clue as to your intentions. The please/praying hands might have helped the person not to jump to conclusions like the one above… just sayin.
I know this lesson. I do. I can be very careful to use neutral tones during my day job. But yesterday, I may have, well, taken a few missteps. In my new job, comments made in a cube conversation may not have been taken the way I had hoped by those who might have overheard, mostly because I didn’t use the correct voice intonations, and also because the new co-workers don’t know me.
I was talking to a very pregnant co-worker who had recently learned my age. A couple of times now she has commented, “you do not look your age. You look much younger.” It’s a very nice thing to say. But she has mentioned it a few time now, and I’m not so great at compliments. I responded, with what was supposed to be irony and sarcasm “It’s because I don’t have any kids or a husband.” Ha ha? (see, she’s pregnant, and go married a week ago… ha ha?)
I completely meant it sarcastically. What the team doesn’t know about me is that I am sad that I don’t have kids or a husband. I wouldn’t mind looking tired or getting more wrinkles if it meant coming home to the crazy wonderful chaos of family. I’m afraid that the rest of the team who are mostly married and have kids may have inferred I think that because they have kids and spouses they all look tired and older than they are.
Which is actually the opposite of reality. Just like everyone else, me included, some days they look tired. Some days they look energized (okay, I never look that way). But I don’t know their ages. I don’t know their circumstances, and none of them are overtly trying to look younger in their clothing and makeup choices. They all look normal to me.
I feel bad though. I want to find a way to let them know that I did NOT mean anything by my comments. But if I call it out, wouldn’t that make it worse? What if they didn’t take it that way and I said I was afraid they did. That would just complicate the situation and end up insulting someone, I’m sure.
I keep hoping that they will give me the benefit of the doubt. I try to be a bit patient when someone says something awkward without meaning to (God knows I say the wrong thing a lot.). Like the other day, I was walking out of the employee entrance at work and a woman fell in step with me headed toward the electronic gates. She looked friendly enough out of the corner of my eye, and in my attempt to appear approachable and engaging, I said hello and said something about the long walk to the entrance. We exchanged pleasantries, I explained that I had only been on the job a short time, etc., etc. She stopped and I stopped to continue the conversation once we got to the doors. Then she said it. “Oh, and are you expecting?”
Sigh. No, I’m not pregnant. I get this question every once in a while and it is awkward for EVERYONE. But I have a choice. I can get angry or sad and say NO. I could say that it is insulting and rude to assume. But, in this conversation, I had a feel for this woman, and her comment was made out of curiosity, of trying to learn more about the stranger standing in front of her. It’s all about intent. And the vibe I was getting was far from malicious. So I said no and made a little joke. Her neck turned red from embarrassment and she hastened a goodbye shortly after.
I know that the best move after my tired comments is to roll my eyes at myself and give myself a break. But I’ll stew for a while, give me a hard time for a while and try to find a way to explain how much I admire those who are lucky enough to have and care for their families. And hopefully, next time, I will come up with a better thing to say. If only there was an undo button to use when talking!
Christina's New Deal 